Guilt Rebuilt
I can’t handle it anymore. My first DU exams are already getting on my nerves.
Its my first year in college and I have already done things that i had never even thought of. To start with-
1) Missed two of my class tests (doesn’t matter)
2) Missed one of my internals, other one would be missed tomorrow (matters a bit)
3) Got a paper leaked out (ahem, pride, unchecked!)
I mean, of course, to any reasonably average student the last of the three would excite the most. Forget not, am at a girls’ college. Adds up to the pride and excitement. Lol
Now I have never been a consistent performer at school. Just that I have scored when I was really required to i.e, apart from the boards I have only scored when I couldn’t take parental interference in my study patterns anymore.
This time, however, am doubting myself. All the time in school, I was confident about my concepts and plans(or the lack of it?) and just knew that in the end I would make it there. But in college, everyone of them is good. They are rather better than me and the fact that I also have to focus on CA studies is making it really really difficult. I cannot neglect college for that for my grades would matter at the time of placement and MBA selection. And CA, its not that its going perfect too. Too many classes, too little time.
I have this friend who comes over every weekend to attend some of the late night classes with me. She lives a little way too far to get back home after the class and is thus staying with us on the weekends. Its not that I regret the fact that I was the one to extend the invitation to her but I surely doubt the extent of my philanthropic intentions. She is so goddamn annoying. The way she slurps tea is typical to her, solely. You tell her to stop it and she would look confused, “stop what?”. As in, she doesn’t know she is not supposed to do that over and over again when she is somebody’s guest. And her laugh, it lacks a sense of correct timing, an appropriate pitch, a suitable environment and is just inspired from the traditional bollywood villains.
The most irritating part is that she does study. She studies more than me and till late in the night. she doesn’t miss any exams and makes me feel even more guilty. Mom and Dad, at times, seem to compare her with me. As if she would do better than me any day. I know that I might be showing some signs of envy like a kid but its not envy, am serious. I can myself feel that am left behind by so many people.
Pheww. One of my new year resolutions was to plan and study. I couldn’t really follow it for the first seventeen days of the year but now I don’t want to take any chances. My externals are just a couple of months away and there’s hardly 9 months to go for the CA exams. I want to do good in them both. I cannot live with this guilt anymore. I don’t want to be wishing for a couple of more marks in the end. I want to be content and satisfied with my efforts. And I am working hard for that, er, at least from now on.
The Great Indian Family
I am going to my grandma’s place. Its not as exciting as it seems to be but it might excite dad a bit. Reunion meet for them. Lol.
I don’t know why but their house is dark and gloomy. Each and every thing placed in their house tells a story of their feuds with my Chacha and his family. The kitchen is the size of an egg shell and accommodates two sets of every necessity. The better one belongs to Chachi. There’s a microwave that is only meant for them and is so placed in their own room. The bigger refrigerator is for Chacha and Grandma and Grandpa do with a small little one thats always devoid of any luring stuff.
Its not as if the house is big enough for the double of everything to reside in. The reference to the size of the kitchen can give an idea of the proportionate size of the house. Its just this way because of the growing intolerance between the two parties that can not be overlooked and demands a forceful unison for them both.
Its always morbid and silent when we go. Words carefully chosen to not to violate anybody’s emotions to dig the pain that was buried years ago. Tube lights are seldom used that is they are not until its me or mom to go and put it to use. The main agenda of the conversation is health and medicines and hospital bills which my dad pays. Sometimes a tear trickles down my grandma’s wrinkled cheek and mom shows her indifference towards it for its customary for the females on my dad’s side to cry in front of him. Its been there for years and so, its more of a routine for mom and me.
Like every Indian family, there exists a huge difference between whats is and what it seems to be. The display of their condition can spur a social debate on a child’s responsibility towards his parents but reality is generally contrary. I don’t know. I am too used to it. Maybe immune and it doesn’t bother me much. The life that everybody is leading was consciously chosen by them long ago when there existed no metro or malls in the city.
Anyway, have to get ready to leave in an hour or so. Hopefully, there’s less of gloom and more of cheers on our meeting and Dad is normal when he’s coming back with is. ufff
Protected: Parting Ways
DU exams terror
First things are always memorable and delightful. Often attached special importance with, the order of their occurrence brings forth naive curiosity and unexplainable emotions.
However, there are certain first things happening in my life these days which are not very delightful. To start with, I am flunking for the first time in my life in my first official DU exams. For the first time ever, I did not even attempt the minimum paper required to clear and for the first time, yet again, I missed an exam. That was today.
Had the number of exams that we are supposed to take been meager, 4-5, the way it generally is with other courses, back to back exam schedule could have made a little sense to me but torturing the student for eight days continuously with one of the most inappropriate standard of paper for any little kid just out of school is like forcing him to read between the lines of the questions that persuade him to audition for the lead role in 3 Idiots sequel because after this he would certainly not be fit to be subjected to any more of XYZ principles that govern the order of management or economy.
These exams seem more than a formality to me. No student can be expected to grasp 80% of the total content in half a day to appear in the following exam. That needs a good conceptual clarity, thorough revisions and a lot of practice and to facilitate such a perfect preparation methodology, the primary responsibility lies upon the teaching staff which is simply crappy at DU. No generalizations, but 80% of the teachers that I have met at my college seem either too content with their pay scale or need serious communication lessons to effectively impart knowledge to the students. One of them happens to be from outside the city, teaching one of the most difficult subjects in a language thats a mess of grammar taken from Hindi and English in a typical local accent and an out of the world pronunciation.
Well, there’s no excuse for failure and I can do nothing but accept it. I seriously hope, however, that someday there would be a revolutionary change brought in our education system for evolution is not something that is even close to it.
